Headachey again

Three weeks or so to go.

Funny that I should put it that way, because I used the same exact words over ten years ago in a journal I was keeping while I was in Germany, in reference to my impending return to the States. I ran across it while Cherie and I were upstairs, finally making a little progress on cleaning and packing the attic. She read it, occasionally busting out in her trademark laughter, other times with a sympathetic look on her face. I reacquainted myself with my 21 year old past self, was a little shocked at some of what I wrote. I came away with three observations: First, I was seriously fucked up emotionally--bitter, angry, depressed, self-absorbed. Second, I was absofuckinglutely capital-O Obsessed with women and with losing my virginity. Which I spectacularly failed at, which understandably contributed to my continued fucked-upness. And third, all that youthful angst and stoppered up hormonal pressure also resulted in my most creative, eloquent, artistic and literary effort. My creativity as it existed circa 1995 shames me now, when I am old and jaded and beaten down by the responsibilities of adulthood, too tired to give a crap anymore. These days, all I worry about is which bills I can afford to slack off on this month, and how the hell I'll be able to pay for the car, car insurance, health insurance, and credit cards, which I can't afford to slack off on, next month. Nothing sexy about that. Those were relatively carefree days, even if I was sometimes suicidally depressed. Joie d'vivre. Froelichheit.

I think one of the motivations for me running away to New Jersey is to attempt to revive some of that sense of adventure in my life, with some obvious differences. For one, this time I'm not alone. I have my honey, the love of my life, with me. I'm not quite as wet behind the ears. It's in a place that I can at least speak the language. I'll hopefully have an actual means of supporting myself besides a limited fund of savings in a faraway bank account. And this time it's for real, permanent.

In all likelihood the financial pressures will get worse. I'll have to work, maybe harder than ever, to pay for everything.

On the other hand, every day will be a new experience. And I can always hop on the train and go explore New York City.

My head hurts. I'm gonna go take an Ibuprofin, lay down, and continue this later.