I don't know why I don't USE this fabulous resource more often

Okay, so: popping up for air once again. Maybe it's the change of weather. Springtime. It's about time, too. As usual, winter was absolutely dreadful; since dropping off my meds again (because my shrink charges $250 a visit, and as good as he was, on my wages that just ain't happening), it has been the same old tired slugfest with my dear old companion, Clinical Depression. You know the story, I've been through it many times so I won't go into details.

So perhaps it was one of the following that contributed to my tentatively good mood today:

1) The aforementioned weather. Mild and sunny.

2) I spent the second Monday in a row doing something reasonably interesting at work, doing the ordering for the coffee bar. I even got a compliment from my supervisor by way of our assistant store team leader.

3) I had the latest of a fun series of weekends with my dear sweetheart (the girl from OKCupid).

4) In spite of no prescribed meds, I did see fit to find the half a bottle of St. John's Wort that I'd saved from last winter.

5) I've recently started reading up, in earnest, on personal finance, and have even managed to initiate a habit of putting some money aside every paycheck. I'm definitely proud that for the last few months I've managed to a) put aside a quarter of the rent each paycheck, and 2) not once go negative. Not once.

6) My mind has been on overdrive the last week on that, as well as pondering the desirability and feasability of entrepreneurship / starting a business. And I mean not just fixating on graphic design. Perhaps Napoleon Hill has been seeping into my subconscious even though I've only half-attentively gotten through just over half of Think and Grow Rich.

7) Maybe I'm just goofy from closing last night, opening this morning, and getting only about two and a half hours of sleep in between.

And perhaps my feeble levity will evaporate like fading dusk when I look at the electric bill that urgently needs to be paid.

It always comes down to that, doesn't it? Lack of money. And that's only part of the problem. So's lack of prestige; lack of my own space; lack of recognition, confidence and self-esteem; and most importantly lack of control over the important aspects of life. Learned helplessness. Life happens to me. But slowly, and this is what I'm getting at, I'm trying to get my nose over the edge of the trench and see what else is out there...trying hard to wrench myself out of it and onto another track. I don't want to jettison the things that are important to me, in fact I want to find them again, make them part of my day. I'm not there yet, but my fingers are starting to claw furrows in the ground just outside the rut, and that is at least a hopeful gesture. Small steps. It takes time, but I'm not over the hill yet. Mm-mmm, no effin' way. Just writing is helping. Really. It's an act of faith. Not to mention that it's fun to roll out the purple prose once in a while.