Dodged a bullet, another one homing in...

Paid our landlord for what we owed for November and October...by forking over everything we both had in our accounts, plus some help from Cherie's mom. We get paid again next Friday. Everything from that is going right out the door to pay for December on time. The alternative: we go to court, we possibly get thrown out. We can't screw this up. Meanwhile other bills have to wait a bit longer to get paid, and I'm still deathly depressed, can't find the enthusiasm to do anything whatsoever.

I loathe life. Sometimes I wish it would end. I mean just end--BLAM! Dead. But that would hurt too many people. And I keep telling myself that would be just the latest in a whole series of stupid decisions I've made. I'm afraid of making any decisions anymore, because of the near certainty that whatever I do is going to end up being a mistake. I'm going to ruin myself more completely than I already have, and all anyone will tell me is that I did it to myself and must suffer the consequences, like a man, because this is THE REAL WORLD and LIFE'S TOUGH and NO ONE GIVES A CRAP WHETHER YOU MAKE IT OR NOT and THAT'S THE WAY IT IS AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. I guess that falls under self-confidence or self-esteem? Huh.

I hope the next therapist I see is mean, tough motherfucker who goes into my brain and wrings the crap out of it with a machete. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND BELIEVE IN MYSELF AGAIN AND BE ABLE TO ENJOY LIFE AGAIN.

I wish I could go home and be with my family. But I can't.